My daughter turns 2 next month, and her favorite word right now is “NO.” I even hear her saying it in her sleep sometimes.
I won’t say this makes her more loveable, it’s just got me thinking about the importance of “No.” Learning to say “No” is a developmental phase we all go through around age 2, then later in life we sometimes forget it. Especially women.
Most of my clients are either women looking for relationship advice, or sensitive souls looking to awaken their intuition. In either case, I am working with people looking to balance their feminine, receptive energy. To find their power as they open to love or intuitive guidance. To let go of confusion and know what’s theirs and not theirs. Whether that be a relationship, a job, a feeling or a problem.
So I’m interested in the “No”. Why? Because unless you know how to say “No,” it doesn’t feel safe to say “Yes”— whether that’s to love, opportunities, or guidance. And when we can’t say “no” or “yes,” life just becomes gray.
Before I started taking classes in clairvoyance and energy healing, I was fascinated with metaphysical subjects, but I didn’t trust my abilities. I didn’t know how to “tune out” the negative voices, my family’s desires or my boyfriends’ emotions. I was a walking “Yes” with no “No.” Wide open and lost.
And so, at that time, I would not have stepped forward to guide anyone. I was a little scared to deepen my psychic powers.
I took Aikido (a martial art from Japan) and learned that receiving is a choice. When someone came up to punch me, I could run away, I could block it, or I could find a creative way to use the energy. That was a new concept! I used to think life happened to me, and this taught me my own power to respond.
As my teachers shared, the punch could represent any kind of intimacy– anything from anger to desire. Most people go into fight or flight at either one! We learned instead to connect, and then use our partner’s own energy to move them safely in a new direction.
This was an amazing lesson in love and relationships. I had to feel secure in myself to choose connection, and if I didn’t I’d run away or shut down instead. Understandable.
So how do we find security? By learning to say “No” By trusting ourselves to set healthy boundaries.
You see, being feminine or intuitive is like being a powerful river. We have an amazing ability to flow and transform ourselves and the world around us, but to do so we need a riverbank.
A river with no riverbank is just a mess. It can flood and destroy, or it can simply disperse and lose it’s power. That’s like a woman who can’t say no, who doesn’t have healthy boundaries and structure in her life. No wonder women’s moods get a bad rap!
No wonder some people think psychics are crazy or “woo-woo”. You need grounding to be able to handle the energy, and many don’t have it.
Sometimes I’ll share a tool called a “protection rose.” I’ll have students partner up and I’ll ask one person to “vent” while the other listens. Next, I’ll teach the listener to create the image of a rose between them and their partner, then repeat the exercise. Almost every time, the person listening actually feels closer and more connected to their partner with the rose than without.
Hmmm. Simply having a little boundary allows us to open, because we know we’re safe. The rose is not a wall, it’s just a friendly reminder that I’m here and you’re there. When I can feel myself, I want to know what you’re feeling.
When my students did not use the rose, they reported things like:
- feeling responsible for the other person’s problem
- getting overwhelmed
- thinking of something else (often, how to fix it or help the person), and so not really listening
- wanting to run away
- feeling tension in their bodies
- trying to listen but the other person just didn’t make sense
Interesting! Makes me wish they taught these kind of skills in schools.
One of my clients just started a long distance relationship. She found herself talking to him on the phone for 4 hours at a time, even when she just planned to talk for an hour. Even when she had a 10-hour work day ahead of her. On a couple of those nights, she got written up at work or made very little money. Why? Because she had given away all her energy!
She told the guy what happened, she owned it as her lesson, and told him that she needed keep their conversations to a certain length and to certain days and times.. She also learned she had to to turn off her phone when she was working, so she didn’t get too distracted by his juicy text messages. Because she first meditated and transformed her “No” into a healthy boundary, she was able to do it from a space of self-love and appreciation for his desire to connect.
It worked! He got over his initial fussiness, and she was then able to be fully present with him. She loved herself, and so he started to value her more.
Another one of my clients was afraid her boyfriend was cheating on her. As she sent her “psychic antennae” in his direction, she lost some of her own juice and life force, making her feel even weaker and less attractive. She didn’t know how to get out of the downward spiral, and we worked on simply calling her energy back from him.
At the end of our first session, she was full of her own power and pleasure. Then, her boyfriend came home. “What did you do?” he asked. “You look so beautiful!”
Most of us women think we need to give of ourselves to attract love. We can get confused about what it means to be “feminine” or receptive. But studies show that men actually find women with high levels of self-care the most attractive! Not to mention, my confidence in both love and intuition is way stronger now that I’ve learned to ground and “find my space.”
I invite you, this week, to find 3 things to say “No” to in your current life. What’s not working for you? Let yourself feel it, even get mad about it. Then, from a space of self-love, find a way to create a boundary that honors you.
You are a like a powerful river. What is your riverbank? What support will allow your creative energy to flow wild and strong?